I must have a Reader's Digest version of the Bill of Rights.  I just can't find the full, unedited text of Amendment I where it says, "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech for politicians and charities but telemarketers are screwed because we don't like you."

But aside from that pesky little Constitutional detail, how could 51 million people (and still counting) be so naïve as to voluntarily hand over their phone numbers to the tender mercies of government bureaucrats by signing up on the national "do not call" list?  How long will it take for those dialing digits to mysteriously migrate into the databases of political phone banks, charity scammers and postal spammers with reverse phone directories?  And what makes 51 million people think that the telemarketing industry won't adapt in ways they'll come to regret?

"Hi, ignorant telephone subscriber.  No, don't worry, I'm not a telemarketer.  I'm just taking a ... heh heh ... survey.  What's your favorite Crunchy-Crud breakfast cereal – Pickle flavored, sauerkraut flavored, or the new High Fiber Artificial Turnip Flavor?  You haven't tried Crunchy-Crud?  Why don't you just ... heh heh ... give me your name and address and I'll send you a Free Coupon ... to be followed by six tons of postal spam over the next couple of months, all of which will continue to be subsidized by the price you pay for a first class postage stamp."

Who are these 51 million people so incapable of saying "No" to anonymous voices on a pair of twisted copper wires that they have to beg protection from Washington wet nurses?  Apparently, they're the same wimps who can't say "No" to their kids when they announce, "I'm gonna, like, you know, tattoo my genitals and stick a bone through my lower lip."

Okay, so you don't want to be interrupted by telemarketers during dinnertime while you're choking down that third reheat of Mama's turnip-flavored tuna casserole, or maybe watching your favorite brilliantly plotted unreality show where people humiliate themselves for money by crawling into a vat of mealworms.  Here are a few Amazing Tips – things you obviously never knew about your telephone.

1.  You are not required by law to answer a ringing telephone.  You will not be ticketed.  You will not be fined.  SWAT teams will not break down your door and handcuff you.  Go on.  Be brave.  Try it.

2.  Most modern phones have a little switch labeled RINGER.  Position this switch near the word OFF and – surprise! – your phone won't ring.

3.  Anything designed to be plugged into a wall outlet can be unplugged from a wall outlet.  Go figure.

4.  Even most cheap telephones these days have little windows that show you who's calling.  If you don't recognize the caller you don't have to answer.  If you recognize the caller you still don't have to answer.  And if it says something like "Anonymous" or "Unknown" – guess what – you still don't have to answer.

5.  You can buy a telephone answering machine, so called, remarkably, because it's a machine that answers a telephone.  Or, you can sign up for your phone provider's voice mail, an electronic service that does pretty much what a telephone answering machine does but you don't have to buy a machine.  Both of these alternatives will record incoming messages without requiring you to answer the telephone so you won't have to miss a morsel of Mama's turnip-flavored tuna casserole or be distracted from the mealworms crawling into people's ears on television.  Then, with a little practice, you too can learn how to play back your calls at your own convenience.  And if you should hear a telemarketer's recorded spiel?  Better sit down for this revelation.  Both the service and the machine have provisions for an incredible concept known as "delete."

6.  All of these things can be done by you, the modern informed telephone consumer, without leaving the comfort of your home, and without begging your congresscrat to come over to your house to do it for you.

If you won't take personal responsibility for something as simple as the ringer on your own telephone inside your own house you have no claim to personal freedom.  So why not develop a spine, support the First Amendment, help re-establish a libertarian society, save the jobs of 6.5 million phone solicitors who also happen to be your fellow citizens, simply by boycotting the National Wimp-Out List.  You'll be proud of yourself for doing it.