by Garry Reed

(Published 15 October 2007) 

Attention: Hon. Sen. Eaton Hoggtroth

Subject: Draft Review of the WarOn Commission Report

My fellow Crat-in-Arms,

There are several special interest high profile taxbuck-funded long-running campaigns to report on, and most of these so-called WarOns are going quite well for the bureaucracies that run them and the bureaucrats who directly benefit from them.

Item: War On Poverty.

This war has been a very successful project for the Lefty-whimpery-whiny social welfare crowd since President Johnson launched it in 1964. Because of the various change-as-needed definitions of "poverty" the program will never run out of "welfare fodder." For example, by sheer mathematics there will always and forever be a "bottom one fifth of the population" which takes the definition of poverty to infinity. This has become somewhat problematic in the last few years since so many "poor" Americans live in houses, own TV sets and automobiles. Certain people identifying themselves as "libertarian" have taken to calling the program The War On Relative Poverty, noting that by Third World standards the program recipients are practically rich. But this objection is muted by the crush of do-gooder propaganda, and the War On Poverty should continue to provide careers, benefits and comfortable retirements for the lefty/liberal bureaucratic classes forever.

Item: War On Drugs

This is a textbook example of what one dedicated Crat can accomplish on his own. With virtually no drug abuse occurring in the US in the 1930s, Supercrat Harry Anslinger (our Beloved Hero) told Southerners their white middleclass daughters would be raped by cannabis-crazed Mexicans and Negroes and told Californians that theirs would be ravaged by opiated Heathen Chinee. Then, when congress responded to the "spontaneous grassroots outrage" by banning every drug they could think of, Harry got his cronycrats to name him Drug Czar I. Today, bullies who love to bash others can join the Crypts or the Columbians or the SWATS. Since all sides are necessary to keep this war going it matters little to the real beneficiaries, the righty/righteous bureaucratic classes who have derived careers, benefits and comfortable retirements for 75 years and counting.

Item: War on Obesity

Also known as the War on Deep Pocket Fast Food Franchisers and the War to Replace the War on Tobacco, which was a war full of promise for America's bureaucratic classes until the Class Action lawyering hordes co-opted the scheme and bled it dry to there own benefit. If we bureaucrats can just bring this one to a slow boil without pan-frying the fatted calf or roasting the goose that lays the golden omelet, our children and grandchildren may have long comfortable careers, benefits and retirements.

Item: War on Terrorism

Declaring an actual shooting war against a tactic was a godsend to the military-industrial bureaubangers because of its unlimited potential. Chechens, Kurds and a multitude of states ending in Stan are either terrorists or freedom fighters, depending on which flavor of foreign policy is desired at the moment. Should give our grandcrats long comfortable careers, benefits and retirements.

Item: War on Global Warming.

This is the one! This will bring the entire orb of the Earth under the thrall of the New International Globalcrat. The obviously premeditated and Pathetically Correct Oscar for Al Gore's Global Warming medicine show, "An Inconvenient Truth," followed by the obviously engineered awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to the Goregoyle gives us intercontinental cred. While not officially a "WarOn" yet, the ploy of blaming naturally-occurring planetary warming and cooling cycles on the wealthiest nations was sheer genius. Nothing ever conceived before will suck more wealth and freedom from the human masses like this perpetual plucking machine. Kings and communists, dictatorships and democracies, religions and republics may come and go, but Bureaucracy is forever. Future civilizations will laugh at our Twenty-First Century global warming panic-peddling just as we laugh at medieval believers in witchcraft, but who cares? This vile vial of snake oil will guarantee generations of long comfortable careers, benefits and retirements for an ever-burgeoning glob of global bureaucracy.

Again, a caution. There is a noisy but negligible cadre of kooks known collectively as "libertarians" that espouses childish concepts such as "individual freedom" and "personal responsibility." Fortunately, our fellow non-government bureaucrats, notably those in mainstream media and academia, have performed commendably in marginalizing these dangerous denizens.

And a final note: The general public should be shielded from any knowledge of the full WarOn Commission Report and of this review. For the children's sake, of course.

Yours in Comfortable Collectivist Conformity,

Penn Puscher

Globalcratic Bureau of Bureaucracies