The War on Peanuts

Published 01 March 2007

(word count: 750)


"This is Channel 7 BlabberCast News At Nine Special Correspondant Mike Shallo reporting live from the capital, which is that big white building you see behind me just over my left shoulder.  What?  Oh, my right shoulder.


"Back when the Democrats took control of congress, Speaker Nancy Pelosi commenced pursuit of her celebrated pledge of spending her first one hundred hours in office increasing the minimum wage, which ignores libertarian warnings that fewer unskilled laborers will be hired as a result, slashing interest rates on student loans so more young future naive liberals can major in Post-Modern Marxist Channeling, and passing a new ethics package designed to prevent Republicans from out-corrupting Democrats.


"However, as we now know, this grandiose political ploy was mercifully sidelined by the unexpected and, as the Democrats vehemently insist, completely unforeseeable, Peanut Crisis.


"For an in-depth background account of this national crisis, here's BlabberCast News Research Grunt, Max Prober, reporting from the subbasement of our studios."


"Thanks, Mick.  The Great Peanut Crisis, not to be confused with the more recent Great Salmonella Peanut Butter Crisis, sprang not from the nation's leading newspapers or the electronic tele-media, but from the Internet.  Back in early January a website called Prison Planet reported that, since 1960, just as many Americans have been killed from allergic reactions to peanuts as have died from acts of terrorism.


"Many libertarian pundits claimed that the point of the story was that we should fear terrorists no more than we fear the lowly peanut.  However, President Bush, who desperately needed to appear leaderly after the House and Senate were lost on his watch just as he desperately needed to appear leaderly after the Twin Towers were lost on his watch used the crisis to immediately declare a War on Peanuts and nominated recently ousted former Republican Congresscrat Ben D. Pheeted of South Virginia as his new Peanut Czar.  Back to you, Mark."


"It's Mike, Mack.  Mike Shallo.  Confirmation hearings are currently in progress, so let's turn it over to our Channel 7 BlabberCast News Political Junkie, Cindy Ayrhead, live from the floor of the congressional hearing room."


"Thanks, Mork.  Actually, I'm not reporting from the floor, I'm over here on the staircase because they wouldn't let me ... wait, I think I can hear committee chairman Con Sittizens, Democrat from New Vermaineshire, speaking now..."


"...and just what programs do you propose to put in place if you are confirmed as national Peanut Czar?"


"Well, sir, I'll need as much latitude as possible to confront this crisis.  First, I'll need a really plush office in one of the newer congressional office buildings, a limousine, fifteen or so staff members and a couple of underage hunky looking male pages.  Then I'll need a budget of a couple of billion taxbucks just for starters..."


"Yes, yes, all standard stuff.  What I want to know about are specific plans to fight this peanut pestilence."


"Oh, well.  First we'll outlaw the use of peanuts in all public places, develop goober SWAT teams to enforce the law, and impose incredibly high taxes on anything that even looks like a legume to discourage peanut eating while simultaneously telling the public that the peanut tax will go to benefit public schools while spending the windfall on whatever the hell we feel like, such as..."


"Customary Republican stuff.  Boring."


"...and, uh, well...we'll do it for the children!"


"Good, very good."


"We'll declare six-block peanut-free-zones around every school in the nation..."


"Yes, yes..."


"We'll launch a massive social welfare scheme with offices all over the country to aid poor people with peanut allergies, which will make us look really sensitive and caring and will provide jobs for young liberal do-gooders with worthless degrees in Post-Modern Marxist Channeling who'll become dependant on taxbucks and imprint on the public sector as a parent surrogate and vote Democrat for the rest of their lives..."


"Wonderful!  Absolutely splendid!  I declare this hearing adjourned."


"Well, that's it.  This has been Cindy Ayrhead reporting from a chair on the floor of the congressional hearing room.  Back to you, Moke."


"It's Mike, Candy.  Mike Shallo.  And this just in.  Former President and peanut farmer Jimmy Carter has just been named honorary chairman of the Peanut Growers Lobbying Group, which represents several southern peanut growing states.  Their avowed goal is to have their peanut subsidies increased a hundredfold.  Failing that, their compromise position will be to graciously accept government taxbucks for not planting peanuts.


"All in the name of the children."


- by Garry Reed


Prison Planet: "Peanuts Kill More Americans Than Terrorists"