The War on Peanuts
Published 01 March 2007
(word count: 750)
7 BlabberCast News At Nine Special Correspondant Mike Shallo reporting
live from the capital, which is that big white building you see behind
me just over my left shoulder. What?
Oh, my right shoulder.
when the Democrats took control of congress, Speaker Nancy Pelosi
commenced pursuit of her celebrated pledge of spending her first one
hundred hours in office increasing the minimum wage, which ignores
libertarian warnings that fewer unskilled laborers will be hired as a
result, slashing interest rates on student loans so more young future naive
liberals can major in Post-Modern Marxist Channeling, and
passing a new ethics package designed to prevent Republicans from
as we now know, this grandiose political ploy was mercifully sidelined
by the unexpected and, as the Democrats vehemently insist, completely
unforeseeable, Peanut Crisis.
an in-depth background account of this national crisis, here's
BlabberCast News Research Grunt, Max Prober, reporting from the
subbasement of our studios."
Mick. The Great Peanut
Crisis, not to be confused with the more recent Great Salmonella Peanut
Butter Crisis, sprang not from the nation's leading newspapers or the
electronic tele-media, but from the Internet.
Back in early January a website called Prison Planet reported
that, since 1960, just as many Americans have been killed from allergic
reactions to peanuts as have died from acts of terrorism.
libertarian pundits claimed that the point of the story was that we
should fear terrorists no more than we fear the lowly peanut.
However, President Bush, who desperately needed to appear
leaderly after the House and Senate were lost on his watch – just as
he desperately needed to appear leaderly after the Twin Towers were lost
on his watch – used the crisis to immediately declare a War on
Peanuts and nominated recently ousted former Republican Congresscrat Ben
D. Pheeted of South Virginia as his new Peanut Czar. Back to you, Mark."
Mack. Mike Shallo.
Confirmation hearings are currently in progress, so let's turn it
over to our Channel
7 BlabberCast News Political Junkie, Cindy
Ayrhead, live from the floor of the congressional hearing room."
Mork. Actually, I'm not
reporting from the floor, I'm over here on the staircase because they
wouldn't let me ... wait, I think I can hear committee chairman Con
Sittizens, Democrat from New Vermaineshire, speaking now..."
just what programs do you propose to put in place if you are confirmed
as national Peanut Czar?"
sir, I'll need as much latitude as possible to confront this crisis.
First, I'll need a really plush office in one of the newer
congressional office buildings, a limousine, fifteen or so staff members
and a couple of underage hunky looking male pages.
Then I'll need a budget of a couple of billion taxbucks just for
yes, all standard stuff. What
I want to know about are specific plans to fight this peanut
well. First we'll outlaw
the use of peanuts in all public places, develop goober SWAT teams to
enforce the law, and impose incredibly high taxes on anything that even
looks like a legume to discourage peanut eating while simultaneously
telling the public that the peanut tax will go to benefit public schools
while spending the windfall on whatever the hell we feel like, such
Republican stuff. Boring."
uh, well...we'll do it for the children!"
declare six-block peanut-free-zones around every school in the
launch a massive social welfare scheme with offices all over the country
to aid poor people with peanut allergies, which will make us look really
sensitive and caring and will provide jobs for young liberal do-gooders
with worthless degrees in Post-Modern Marxist Channeling who'll become
dependant on taxbucks and imprint on the public sector as a parent
surrogate and vote Democrat for the rest of their lives..."
Absolutely splendid! I
declare this hearing adjourned."
that's it. This has been Cindy
Ayrhead reporting from a chair on the floor of the congressional hearing
room. Back to you, Moke."
Mike, Candy. Mike Shallo.
And this just in. Former
President and peanut farmer Jimmy Carter has just been named honorary
chairman of the Peanut Growers Lobbying Group, which represents several
southern peanut growing states. Their
avowed goal is to have their peanut subsidies increased a hundredfold.
Failing that, their compromise position will be to graciously
accept government taxbucks for not planting peanuts.
in the name of the children."
- by Garry Reed
Prison Planet: "Peanuts Kill More Americans Than Terrorists"