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Published 15 October 2001 (word count: 754)
How many wars can one American bald eagle fight at once? According to our military masterminds, the winning number is two. For years our Pentagon planners have been demanding enough guys, gals, guns, gear and gigabucks to simultaneously wage two conventional wars in two widely separated theatres. (No, not the Bijou and the Pantages.)
And just who are these twin countries plotting concurrent conventional conquests of our coastlines? After intently scrutinizing Granddad’s world almanac (which still shows Arizona as a territory) I’ve decided to keep a wary eye on East Timor and the Canary Islands.
Of course, our brass hasn’t really been laying plans to carry out their Constitutionally mandated duty to “provide for the common defense” of America. What they’ve been planning all these years is how to unconstitutionally fight other countries’ wars for them.
Unfortunately, while the Generals have been preparing for yesterday’s conventional wars, America has been up to its posterior cleavage in fighting two highly unconventional wars, hotly pursued all over Granddad’s world almanac. One is our own version of the Medieval Thirty Years War, better known as The War Against Some Drugs. The other unconventional conflict, less well known until now, has been the hunt and hide sparring between terrorists and terrorist trackers.
It was the completely unplanned-for unexpected unconventional war of the terrorists that rose up and bit us in the posterior cleavage.
So isn’t it time to choke down a couple of priority pills? Like, maybe, wouldn’t this be the perfect time to just end the jihad against America’s drug-using citizens? It wouldn’t even have to be announced, which would tickle the vote-nervous denizens of Congress. Just quietly shift all of our seek and destroy assets away from drug interdictions and into thug convictions. What’s really important here? Has anyone even remotely associated with the world of Schedule I narcotics ever killed 6,000 people in one day?
Consider this morsel from a Denver Post article about Libertarian Sheriff Bill Masters of Telluride, after a trip to Quantico:
“He said he was brokenhearted to find the academy swarming with bright, enthusiastic young agents-in-training for the DEA but only a handful of older, overworked agents assigned to a case dealing with suspected child abductions by a serial killer.”
So why not just draft all of these bright, enthusiastic young agents into the FBI and sic them on the trail of the bin Laden bunch.? They’ve been taught how to play Clue just like the G-men, right? Would you rather have our narcs turning stoned but nonviolent drug users into cellmates or overturning every stone looking for violent terrorist cell mates? Would you rather have McGruff the Crime dog sniffing out white powder or black power?
What about the Coast Guard? Do you want them boarding boats to bag a stash of hash or a cache of stinger missiles? And draft the INS while we’re at it. Do we need our border brigades grabbing Hispanics who want to work in America and learn new skills or nabbing fanatics who want to lurk in America and earn new kills?
Yes, our nation would soon be drowning in drugs. But then, it already is. People will be shoving stuff down their gullets, up their nostrils and into those little veins between their toes. But then, they already are. The only thing that would really change is the price, which would drop like a brick of ganja. Which, horrors, might actually force some international drug cartels into bankruptcy, including that poppy-picking opium-oozing Taliban band who funnel funds to Osumma non Laude.
Ending the drug war might just be the best strategy for ending the terrorist war.
The true purpose of the anti-drug war is, of course, busywork for bureaucrats. Thousands will default on their mortgages if the drug rug gets yanked from beneath their posterior cleavages. So let’s drag them into the anti-thug war. Cyber-snooping, according to news reports, has generated more leads on the jihad squads than the Feds can keep up with. Who’s better at paper pawing than bureaucrats?
Most libertarians agree that defense of the Union is one of the few legitimate functions of government. Distracted by extra-constitutional activities, they’ve failed spectacularly. It’s time to de-bastardize our ruling class. If we must fight a war, let’s fight the one – repeat, one - that really matters. And get our noses out of everyone else’s posterior cleavages.
Then, if we could just end the War Against the Second Amendment so citizens could arm themselves … but that’s another jihad for another article.
- by Garry Reed |