Published 01 December 2006

(word count: 750)

Forget x-ray machines and body wands and bomb-sniffing bowwows.  The TSA is working on a machine that can uncover terrorists by combining the capabilities of the Horse Whisperer, the Ghost Whisperer and Angela’s Eyes.

(For folks not intimately attuned to current entertainment culture, the above refers to a movie about a man who communes with equines, a TV series about a woman who discourses with the dead, and a cable show about a female Fed who unerringly outs liars by analyzing infinitesimal facial fluctuations unseen by anyone else.)

The folks at TSA (Touch and Stroke Agents) want to turn Israeli terror detection techniques into software algorisms so they can catch terrorists.  This is because (multiple choice):

a. Americans are obsessed with technology

b. The TSA bureauboobs are obsessed with squandering more of our taxbucks

c. Wand-waving GED-dropout TSA hirelings are untrainable

The Israeli system uses human observers to spot passengers engaged in suspicious behavior that might mark them as terrorists.  They look for straightforward telltales such as wearing an overcoat in 105 degree heat (suggesting either a bomb-belt bearing terrorist or just your typical friendly neighborhood phallus flasher) and not-so-obvious signs such as vocal timbre, gestures or facial expressions indicating that someone:

a. Is trying to disguise an emotion such as guilt, guile, or evildoing

b. Suffers from a nervous tic

c. Hasn’t had enough Botox shot into his or her facial furrows.

But once the Track and Search Addicts automate the process, the future of flight will feature the following security scenario:

Prospective passengers will be compelled to enter a truth booth.  The plan is they'll jam one hand into a sensor that sniffs out physical responses while the other paw punches up answers to questions seen on a touch screen.  The queries are cleverly calculated to catch the incautious miscreant:

"Are you an illegal immigrant?"  yes/no

Pulse pounding!

"Are you smuggling drugs?"  yes/no

Blood pressure pumping!

"Are you a terrorist?"  yes/no

Sweat glands gushing.

"Gotcha!  You're an undocumented bootlegging bomb-chucker!"

The whole process takes five minutes, they claim.  Unless, of course, you're stuck in line behind a blind Jerkastanian awaiting a translator, or a sub Danny DeVito-sized citizen who can't reach the screen, or a septuagenarian Florida flunk-out who's still trying to hang chad for Al Gore.

As quoted in the WSJ (that's Wall Street Journal, not Wealthy Stock Junkies), "Unlike a standard lie detector, the technology analyzes a person's answers not only in relation to his other responses but also those of a broader peer group."

In other words, if you ever want to get onto a commercial aircraft in the future, you must never do anything that will make you stand out from the herd.  You must appear to be an interchangeable nonentity of the anthill.  You must blend in with the sheet rock.   This means you must:

a. Never make eye contact

b. Always raise your hand for permission to go potty

c. Color inside the lines

But what really gives the Truculent Screeners Alliance wet dreams is the prospect of sci-fi gadgets like laser probes that can measure a suspect's vital signs from afar.  Just point and shoot and check out the guy's heart rate and adrenal levels and sperm count as he traipses across the concourse.  Not as much fun as machines that can see through a hot chick's sundress and thong, but that's the price of progress.

So how does, say, a free-form liberty-loving libertarian prepare for a trip to Trenton?  Spar with your spouse that morning?  The software might decipher your furious frown as "a person of hostile intent."  Just read a libertarian Reason magazine report about the latest billion-dollar boondoggle?  That jagged jawline could be judged "suspicious behavior."  Get a political polling call on your cell phone asking which mainstream party polecat you'll be supporting?  That outraged retort might match up with (quoting WSJ again), "... patterns of behavior that indicate something all terrorists have: the fear of being caught."

Still, there may be a silver filling in the TSA teeth.  Imagine if service organizations and community watchdog groups across the country got hold of these biometric debriefing booths.

"Just step into the kiosk, Congressman Scrotum.  Place your hand in the sensor and answer the questions on the screen."

"Do you love to wield power over others?"  yes/no

Pulse pounding!

"Do you take bribes?"  yes/no

Blood pressure pumping!

"Will you switch your loyalty in a heartbeat?" yes/no

Sweat glands gushing.

"Gotcha!  You're either a Republican, a Democrat, or a Mafioso!"