Published 01 July 2006

(word count: 750)

Hardknoxville, Tennesseesaw - Police and teachers haven't noticed large numbers of kids getting hooked on the allegedly dangerous hallucinogenic material known in street parlance as "book," and federal drug agents say that few people are currently using it.  But that hasn't dissuaded Tennesseesawen lawmakers and political opportunists in five other states from seeking to outlaw the substance.

The great fear, of course, is that excessive use of "book" can turn otherwise successfully soccerized youngsters away from group mentality lives and into maladjusted geeks, nerds or, even worse, individualists.

Pennsylverware is poised to become the first state to outlaw book.  A bill called Singleton's Law - named for teenager Singleton Freethinker, who mentally gorged on book for several years and became unacceptably intelligent - is awaiting the governor's signature.

According to local authority Ernest Dewgooder, the little-known addictive material apparently appears naturally in manmade locales such as libraries, stores and schoolrooms.  "Book almost always appears in a layered form," Dewgooder explains, "and is laced with an active ingredient known to users as 'word.'  These 'words,' when ingested through the eyes, frequently cause a meditative-like condition which can lead to a consciousness-altering state often referred to as 'knowledge,' and can lead susceptible victims into a lifetime of hardcore wisdom."

Toxicology researchers maintain that excessive book use, known in teen slang as "reading," produces changes in brain neurochemistry similar to those seen after long-term use of other mind-modifying activities such as critical thinking, cognitive reasoning, and creative decision-making.

"There is no doubt that excessive use of so-called book has a lasting effect on human brain cells," one scientific report darkly warns.

"When something like that is legal, it says to the kids that it's okay to consume it," nagged state Congresscrat Sly Cunningsham, who sponsored a bill that would ban book.  "We need to head off recreational users before they become chronic abusers."

Educrats agree.  State educational psychologist Paige Turner fears that book use will interfere with normal healthy teenage developmental activities such as cellphoning, texting, iPoding and relentless digital gaming implementation, the latter being especially encouraged because it enhances mindlessly repetitive knee-jerk obedience skills.

A spokescrat for the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy has lamented, "where will the subservient soldiers and docile workers of tomorrow come from if today's youth becomes corrupted at an early age by the consumption of this toxic menace that induces independent thought?"

Meanwhile, Adminiscrats of the DEA (Dangerous Enforcement Androids) are hoping that classifying book as a Schedule I controlled substance, placing it in the same category as heroin, will further expand their already expansive budgets, manpower requirements and political clout in the only context that matters, the DC political venue.

Some undisclosed sources indicate that the agency is already laying plans for launching a wide-ranging War on Book.

"Our only concern is for the children," a DEA PR flack smirked sincerely.

Concerned parents, familiar with book from their own childhoods, bemoan its easy availability on the Internet and in shops that specialize in "perusal" paraphernalia.

"At the very least it should be kept behind the counter and restricted to adults only," observed Lois Teem, president of the local chapter of Mothers Against Bad Book.

Socially enlightened countries with collectivist sensibilities such as France and Sweden have already recognized the mind-altering properties of book and banned it.

Pro-reading libertarians and other anti-bookbanners insist that book has some socially redeeming qualities when used in moderation.  The Libertarian Party is against bookbanning on principal.  "We own our own bodies," thundered state party director Lee Vussalone.  "What we ingest into our own minds is our own business.  This should be a strictly voluntary decision and the government should stay out of it!"

Still, many are unconcerned.  Phil Prezcripçion, a University of Southsoutheast Carolginia pharmacology professor, said that ordinary American children who have used book described it as "not being very cool."  The usual reaction is, "Been there, done that, where's my Xbox?"

A street vendor, who insisted on remaining anonymous, agrees.  "Book is not a party drug.  You never see a bunch of carousing teens at a rave just sitting there passing book around.  There's little justification for regulating it like alcohol and Sudafed and the morning after pill."

Note: While preparing this article, concern was expressed that some young people might be discomfited at the suggestion that self-serving government busybodies should be watching their every move at all times.  However, it was decided that the likelihood of youthful citizens ever seeing this article was effectively zero.