PigsInAPoke

As the old homily goes, even a visually challenged oinker finds the occasional acorn. And so it is with mainstream politicos. While libertarians rightfully bash the boarish acts of our misrepresentatives, especially when they’re bellied up to the hog trough or slurping from the pork barrel, we need to pause and cheer whenever they unwittingly bring home the bacon.

Take Gov. Mike Huckabee of the Razorback State. When tax-lovers bashed him for refusing to jack up taxes to cover budget shortfalls, he created a public “Tax Me More Fund.” That way people who get piggish about raising taxes can prove it with a voluntary donation.

Then there’s Virginia Ham State Senator Warren E. Barry who filed a bill to create an opt-out registry for death penalty foes. If the registrant is murdered, the killer will be ineligible for execution and the victim’s piggybank must posthumously support the expense of keeping the killer in the pokey.

Both of these moves, of course, are just pigs in a poke. They’re designed to publicize the politician’s position, not to be taken seriously. So why should libertarians cheer? Not because we agree or disagree with their options, but because of the kinds of options they offer. Options that put the opposition on the defensive by challenging them to put up or shut up.

Libertarians should piggyback on these reverse psychology tactics and offer our detractors exactly what they say they want.

Take the whole anti-gun hogwash for example. If gun-banners really believe that hog heaven can be achieved by preventing everyone from hanging hoglegs on their hips they should be given the chance to proudly act on their convictions. Why should gun lovers be licensed and registered but not gun haters? Let’s set up a web site and double-dog dare every gun basher to sign the “I’ll Never Touch a Gun Pledge.” In exchange for posting their names and addresses on the internet they’ll receive a big bright yard sign that says “No Guns In This House.” Of course, their identities will be known to everyone, but so what? They’ll be as happy as pigs in mud knowing that no intruder will ever be able to turn their own weapons against them.

Hog wild about the drug war? Great! Prove your pigheaded beliefs by joining the new libertarian organization called “Drug War Volunteer.” When someone has their car seized and is never charged with a crime, DWV will call upon you to donate your own car to the victim. When the narco pigs ransack the wrong house, DWV will assign you to help clean up the mess. When someone is framed by crooked cops, you bail him out. When a single mother of three is killed in the drug war crossfire you’ll become the kids’ foster parent. Join the DWV today and prove you’re not a hypocrite!

Opposed to education vouchers, charters, and other forms of school choice? Convinced that government schools will get better if we just shovel enough tax money at them? Print out the libertarian-supplied list below and carry it with you at all times.

THE PUBLIC EDUCATION SUPPORTER PROMISE CARD

1. I will not laugh when a high school grad cannot make change for a five when I buy a bag of pork rinds.

2. I will not grimace when he tells me that our first president was George Harrison.

3. I will not squeal like a pig when I’m told that Idaho is an Arab-speaking country somewhere in France.

4. I will not question the logic when she tells me that angels must exist because no one can prove that they don’t.

5. I will not complain when the three million dollars in renovation money for the pigsty that is Guido Junior High School ends up as raises for district administrators.

And what about the next election cycle? Libertarian candidates, ever hopeful of turning the sow’s ear of big government into a silk purse of freedom, will once again run like stuck pigs in pursuit of public office. Dispensing campaign literature, bumper stickers, and yard signs. But what do you give to people who say they only vote Demo or ‘Publican? Or those who say, “The only choice we have is to vote for Boss Hogg or be the little piggy that stayed home”? Slap a pin in their palm that says “I Love Big Gov” and challenge them to wear it!

Let’s give people what they say they want. Maybe they’ll learn to say, “In a pig’s eye!”