Published 01 November 2006

(word count: 750)

With elections upcoming (there are always elections upcoming) our inboxes ingest more fear-inflaming folderol like:

"How important are the upcoming elections?  Extremely important!  Below is a list of what we can expect if the liberals win."

"THESE ELECTIONS ARE CRUCIAL!!!!"

"The strategy of the liberals is to get Values Voters so disgusted and discouraged that they will not vote."

Libertarians, especially the anarcho variety, wonder why anyone who truly has values would bother to vote at all.  Between the Donkeycrats and the Grand Old Partyarchs there ain't no lesser of two evils.

Below are excerpts from one such mass-circulated dreadmail stating the horrors of a Democrat win (each one is reprinted verbatim), followed by what, based on their track record, Republicans would do instead, followed thereafter by the libertarian response to both.

Democrats: Amnesty for 12,000,000 illegal immigrants.

Republicans: Build walls to keep workers out, which evidently means that Republican Party partisans are willing to tug up turnips, scrub toilet bowls and shingle roofs in 109-degree heat in their stead.

Libertarians: The new "votes before principles" Libertarian Party wants "fewer illegal immigrants" for fear of Talibanistas masquerading as border busters.  Constitutionally minded libertarians say: "ALL men [not just Americans] are created equal."  Anarcho-Capitalists insist there shouldn't be any state/government/country; all property should be private, meaning that all immigrants are illegal unless you hired them to build a wall around your property, thereby making them legally your employees.

Democrats: A push to make homosexual marriage and polygamy legal in all 50 states.

Republicans: A push to rewrite 50 constitutions to make them all anti-freedom.

Libertarians: people's personal business ain't no business of governments.

Democrats: Only liberal judges will be appointed.  They will create laws to implement the social agenda liberals cannot get passed through the legislative process.

Republicans: George "The Constitution is just a goddamned piece of paper" Bush and his political heirs will continue creating laws through public fiat while ignoring laws that get passed through the legislative process by using signing statements, equivalent to crossing his fingers and whispering "king's X."

Libertarians: A pox on both your outhouses.

Democrats: Liberals will make the killing of the unborn more difficult to stop.

Republicans: Will prosecute rape and incest victims seeking abortions.

Libertarians: Split: Some pro-freedom, some pro-fetus.

Democrats: Liberals will continue to try to rid our society of Christian influence, including any reference to God in our Pledge and on our currency.

Republicans: Neoconservativedom (Neocondom?) will continue to manipulate you Evangelicals while snickering at you behind your backs.

Libertarians: Duh: separation of church pew and political seat.

Democrats: A return to the "Fairness Doctrine" in broadcasting where opposing views must be given equal time.  Every conservative talk show host will be forced to give a liberal equal time on every issue.  The purpose of this rule will be to shut down conservative talk shows.

Republicans: A continuation of ranting against anti-conservative media bias while pretending that every conservative talk show host and the Fox News Network are fair and impartial.

Libertarians: Simple: Kill the FCC and the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act and recognize full property rights for broadcasters.

Democrats: An increase in taxes to push new social programs.

Republicans: An increase in taxes to push new social programs, like socialized prescriptions for Oldies and faith-based boondoggles for the (snicker) party base.

Libertarians: Taxation is theft.

Democrats: Passing a new "hate crimes" law making it illegal to refer to homosexuality in a negative manner.

Republicans: Passing a new "hate crimes" law making it illegal to refer to Christianity (snicker) in a negative manner, as claimed by "war on Christianity" fanatics.

Libertarians: If there is no fraud or coercion there is no crime, just trumped up selective repression.

Democrats: Liberals will give terrorists from other countries who try to kill Americans the same rights American citizens enjoy under our constitution.

Republicans: Neocons have already killed habeas corpus so they can treat Americans like terrorists.  Nobody enjoys any rights under our constitution.

Libertarians: Repeat: "All men are created equal."

Democrats: We will withdraw from Iraq, sending the message to the terrorists that if they will just be patient they can win and bring their terrorist acts to the US.

Republicans: We will continue fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, sending the message to the terrorists that if they just keep killing our kids in their own countries they'll crash our economy.  Why bring more terrorist acts here?

Libertarians: "Peace, commerce and honest friendship with all nations; entangling alliances with none." – T. Jefferson, Esq.