Published 01 August 2006

(word count: 750)

Former Speaker of the House Rich Newtgringe proclaimed that the USSA is actively engaged in fighting World War III and that President Bush should just publicly say so.

"There's a lot of cool stuff we can do," the former Republican Congresscrat from Georgiabama mused, "if we simply declare World War III, or IV, or V against … against … whoever.  We can ration tires, force people to rip up their backyard decks and plant victory gardens, inflict big government's coercive powers onto every aspect of American life, at least on the last little bits of it that still languish beyond Washington's enlightened supervision, and draft everybody's kids into the Cannon Fodder Corps."

The Made Men of the two mirror image Ruling Class political parties were observed nodding in smug agreement until Mr. Newtgringe's last few words.

"Just one minute here," snarled Democratic Party spokescrat Grinch Newtrich of Arklahoma during the intermission of former Vice President and current Global Warming Messiah Al Gore's latest National Endowment for the Arts award winning cinematic creation, The War Against Global Warming III.  "This is still the Land of the Free.  Patriotic Americans fully understand and agree upon the need to shove excess poor and minority spawn into uniforms for the greater good of us all as long as our great Red White and Blue traditions are upheld – Ruling Class kids get deferrals."

Meanwhile, in a news conference from his military bunker in an undisclosed location somewhere near a strip club in Washington DC, Federal Drug Czar General Grin Richnewt announced his resounding endorsement for a public declaration of war.

"The president needs to stop messing around and just declare Drug War III," the former Salvation Army officer insisted.  "Then we could just administratively designate all these pot sniffers and mushroom snorters as enemy combatants and throw their stinking little butts into Guantanamo and forget about 'em."

(Privately, Gen. Richnewt confided to an Official Mainstream Lapdog Press reporter, "I don't mean Ruling Class kids, of course.  Ruling Class druggies get probation.  I mean all those worthless poor and minority spawn.  And of course we'll send them to prison instead of Gitmo because the country needs an economically vibrant Penitentiary-Industrial Complex.")

The General then went on to glowingly cite a book from the libertarian think tank Cato Institute, Overkill: The Rise of Paramilitary Police Raids in America.

"These otherwise useless libertarian weenies have documented the absolutely superb job our jackbooted drugthugs have been doing.  We've increased our paramilitary no-knock raids on American homes by 1300% over the past 25 years.  Nationwide, we've smashed in thousands of doors and killed or wounded hundreds of nonviolent drug offenders who were merely committing misdemeanors, along with harmless bystanders, innocent citizens, and sleeping 'wrong-address' homeowners."

"We've also terrorized scores of little children and puppies," the Drug Czar grinned.  "But just think of the wonderful things we could accomplish if we had full military authority to use rocket-propelled grenades, chemical weapons, and Maverick air-to-ground missiles.  The drug war would be over in three months.  Then we could concentrate on that other war – the War Against War Protesters."

Many other government agencies are clamoring for a declaration of World War III.

"It's exactly what we need," agreed National Aeronautics and Space Administration spokescrat Houston Shuttlecraft.  "So far there have been two War of the Worlds movies, in which the planet Mars attacked us.  If the president would declare War of the Worlds III before Hollywood does we'll be able to do for space travel what the Manhattan Project did for quickly developing the atomic bomb and send an expeditionary force to counterattack Mars by the end of the decade.  After all, war justifies all expenditures."

Humble Poorboy, Adminiscrat of the Department of Health and Human Services, concurred.  "If the president would just change the War on Poverty to Poverty War III we'll really be able to get things done," he stated during a news conference.  "All we have to do is just keep raising taxes and transferring those funds to the poor until the poor are on an equal footing with all other citizens."

Unfortunately for the Adminiscrat, his microphone was still live at the conclusion of the staged event and he was heard to say, "... of course we won't be raising taxes on me and my fellow Ruling Class buddies.  That would be unconscionable."

Meanwhile, a group of antiwar libertarians has denounced the World War III ploy.  But they don't matter.  They are mentioned only to give this article "balance."