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Published 15 February 2002 (word count: 750)
It’s easy for libertarians, or any other rational being for that matter, to poke the sharp shtick of ridicule in the eye of the never-ending storm of Stupid Politician Tricks. But the obsession for controlling other people’s lives isn’t limited to legislative loonies. These days, it seems, everybody wants to be everybody else’s nanny. What these do-badders deserve is a good mock in their schlock:
From National Center for Policy Analysis: Coercive “Smart growth” urban planning strategies to slow suburban sprawl are designed to increase urban population density, boost mass transit ridership and cut auto driving. Instead, what Portland, Oregon has gotten from smart growth includes increased traffic congestion, air pollution, consumer cost and taxes. As one smart growth advocate admits, there is “a gap between the daily mode of living desired by most Americans and the one that most city planners believe is appropriate.”
From FutureNews Service: A large gap was discovered today between the ears of arrogant “smart” growth planners.
From CNN.com: After some 10 years of falling sales, the California Prune Board spent $10 million to rename their fruit “dried-plum.” The previous renaming of the Chinese gooseberry as “kiwifruit” worked wonders in the marketplace.
From FutureNews Service: With the War on Obesity in full swing as another multi-billion dollar class action style anti-tobacco rip-off, lobby-protected food producers are scrambling to sweeten their image. From now on, fat will be known as “less-than-lean flavor enhancer,” what used to be known as fast food will be “expeditious cuisine,” and junk food becomes “informal masticatory products.” In a related story, 25 tons of Tennessee Moon Pies with an estimated street value of $1.2 billion were seized in a sting operation by armed agents of the Federal Office of Official Diets (FOOD). Moon Pies are manufactured in clandestine labs known to the underworld as “bakeries.” The seized contraband tested positive for sugar.
From thesun.co.uk: Ice skaters must clean up their acts after complaints the sport is becoming obscene. Revealing routines such as women being held upside down with their legs akimbo have been banned from the Winter Olympics. Nancy Meiss, a US judge, said: “If I want a young man waving his partner’s assets in my face, I can rent a porn movie.”
From FutureNews Service: Puritans for Godly Sports are demanding the following: quarterbacks should no longer be allowed to place their hands between their centers’ legs to receive the snap. All offensive plays must use the inoffensive “shotgun” formation. In baseball, a player should be fined $5000 for adjusting his cup by grabbing his crotch. Spitting while doing so would add $1000 to the fine. Tennis will no longer use “love” to indicate a score of zero. From now on we should hear TV commentators announcing: “Guido Knudsen leads 30-fondness.”
From CBS News: The administration said it will make embryos and developing fetuses eligible for health care under the State Children's Health Insurance Program, saying they qualify from the moment of conception. Because CHIP is aimed at kids, it does not typically cover parents or pregnant women.
From FutureNews: Extending an earlier decision, the administration will make human sperm and ovum eligible for health care under the State Pre-Pre-Children's Health Insurance Program, saying they qualify from the moment of the twinkle in Daddy's eye. Because Pre-Pre-CHIP is aimed at pre-fetuses, it does not typically cover horny would-be parents.
From Citizens for a Sound Economy: Last summer, federal government agencies such as the National Marine and Fisheries Service and the Fish and Wildlife Service both recommended and implemented cutting off water to Klamath Basin farmers in an effort to save the endangered suckerfish.
From FutureNews: The Klamath Basin Farmers Association has voted unanimously to cut off the sale of food to the employees of federal government agencies such as the National Marine and Fisheries Service and the Fish and Wildlife Service in an effort to save the now endangered species of Klamath Basin cattle, pigs, lambs and chickens.
From National Center for Public Policy Research: After a decade of warnings that the Earth's temperature may be rapidly warming, a new study by researchers from JPL and UC-Santa Cruz, published in the respected journal Science, found that the ice sheets of Antarctica are expanding by some 26.8 billion tons of ice a year.
From FutureNews Service: Greenpeace has changed its name to Whitepeace and has called for the immediate ban of Popsicles, Dilly Bars, and frozen yogurt, claiming these man-made cooling sources are the main contributors to imminent catastrophic global cooling. - by Garry Reed
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