"The Libertarian's Legitimate Litmus Lessons"

Published 01 February 2006

(word count: 750)

In the not-distant past I've tried to help Liberals become better liberals by offering them a study outline I called "The Collectivist's Culturally Correct Curriculum."

Then, after noting that a public outcry for a similar benefit for conservatives failed to materialize, I made available a very sensible learning guide entitled "The Conservative's Socially Suitable Syllabus."

Since that offering bombed as well, it's only natural that I press forward with my current contribution to the culture, "The Libertarian's Legitimate Litmus Lessons."

(Caveat: This is an in-joke.  If you're not a libertarian, you won't get it.  If you're a libertarian but don't have a sense of humor, you shouldn't read it.  If you disagree with me, don't bother sending me nasty emails because libertarians never agree with each other anyway.)

Libertarian Evolution Traces the evolutionary development of a typical member of the modern American freedom movement from simple individualist to science fiction fan to Objectivist to libertarian to Libertarian Party member to anarchist to Anarcho-Capitalist to radical Rothbardian-Konkinite Anarcho-Transhumanistic Punk/Rock Minimalist to simple individualist.  Presentation includes illustrative slides of the socio-politico periodic table and timeline charts.

Renaming The Libertarian Party A one-semester overview of the ongoing efforts by timid Libertarian Party members to find a non-threatening appellation for their political organization.  Suggestions include such hopeful banalities as The Freedom Party, The Freedom and Responsibility Party, The Free Will Party (not to be confused with The Free Willy Party), The Liberty Party, The Liberty Penguin Party, and The Softsoap Party, the latter name designed to smuggle such scary concepts as personal sovereignty into the minds of the general populace in the hope that they will adopt the ideas without even knowing it.  Prerequisites: Renaming Liberal to Classical Liberal; Renaming Socialist to Progressive to Mainstream; Renaming Imperialism to Republican Party.

Studies in Libertarian Psychology Explores the euphoria-to-disillusionment phenomenon experienced by most libertarians when they think they see "libertarian" printed in their local newspapers, only to discover that it was actually civil libertarian, librarian, Liberian, Iberian, or LeBaron, an automobile manufactured by the Company Formerly Known as Chrysler.  Course also touches on the similar delusional reading of antichrist, anachronist, and archivist for "anarchist."

Contrarian Conceptualizations of Austrian Economics Course focuses on the fallacies of economic fallacies when considered from the viewpoint of the fallacy's beneficiaries.  Students will study: the Amalgamated Glaziers Union lobbying efforts against the Broken Window Fallacy; the benefit of perpetual warfare to Military-Industrial Complex shareholders such as shut-ins and widows living on fixed incomes; the Federation of Soup Kitchen Recipient's opposition to the Free Lunch Fallacy; and, Federal Government Economists United Against Economic Fallacies.  Prerequisite: Repealing the Law of Unintended Consequences 101.

Libertarian Political Science This lecture series covers a wide range of how-to topics in the art of political persuasion.  Presentations include Techniques of Stupefying Speechifying: ("The cult of the omnipotent state exerts coercion on the fruits of my labor"); How to be a Fringe Candidate and Embarrass the Party: ("Join me in the fight against hollow earth black helicopter assassination conspiracies"); Campaigning on a Shoestring ("Meet the Candidate Petition Signing and Bake Sale Event"); and The Fusion of Purity and Pragmatism ("I advocate the immediate abolition of mostly all bad taxes to be phased in gradually!")  Students will write their own libertarian campaign platforms identifying themselves either as "Independent" or "Republican."

Randian Behaviorial Anthropology Investigates the difference between being an Objectivist and being an Aynrandian.  Course underscores how Objectivism requires one to think for oneself while Aynrandianism requires one to think like Ayn Rand.  Classroom discussion will center on how "A is A" is a fundamental Objectivist philosophical axiom but "I don't like Moll Flanders because Ayn Rand said she didn't like Moll Flanders" is quintessential Aynrandian Copy-Catechism.  Also: how an Objectivist is an egoist but how "I'm superior to you because I read the John Galt speech in Atlas Shrugged three times" is just snotty.  Includes group discussion topic, "Can you have a sense of humor and still be considered an Objectivist?"

Libertarian Punditry Acquiring the skills required to become a practicing blogger or columnist with a libertarian perspective.  First Semester: Understanding how "Libertarian Opinion Writing" and "Flame War" are equivalent concepts.  Second Semester: Application of writing techniques which enable the student to intelligently and wittily ridicule Republicans, Democrats, Socialists, Collectivists, Marxists, and Green Environmentalists.  Extra Credit: Choose a niche ideology and then ridicule minarchists, anarchists, Objectivists, Libertarian Party activists, Goldwater Conservatives and/or Austrian economists.

Essays on Being Both Objectivist and Libertarian Canceled due to virtual campus flame wars.

- by Garry Reed