Published 01 September 2006

(word count: 750)

A headline and selected paragraphs from a real, actual, no kidding Associated Press article:

Guards Fault Homeland Security Protection

WASHINGTON (AP) - Guards at the Department of Homeland Security say the agency mishandled a potential anthrax attack on its headquarters.

"I wouldn't feel safe nowhere on this compound as an officer," former guard Derrick Daniels told The Associated Press.

An envelope with suspicious powder was opened last fall at the headquarters.  Daniels and other current and former guards said they were shocked when superiors carried it past the office of Secretary Michael Chertoff, took it outside and then shook it outside Chertoff's window without evacuating people nearby.

And now for headlines and selected paragraphs that may not be from real, actual, no kidding Associated Press or any other press articles but wouldn't surprise libertarians if something like them were real:

Government Accountability Office can't account for own government office.

The GAO, the agency that investigates how the federal government spends taxpayer dollars, examines how well executive branch agencies are doing their jobs, and determines whether government programs are meeting their objectives, can't account for itself.

That charge was leveled by Tab Chekoff, Chief Accountingcrat of the GAOAO, the Government Accountability Office Accountability Office, the watchdog agency charged with watching the watchdog agency, the Government Accountability Office.

Asserted Chekoff, "In the past year the GAO spent $3.1 million developing their own specialized accounting software program that will not run on their Radio Shack TRS-80 computers, paid a half million dollars for 10,000 handheld digital calculators due to a misplaced decimal point when they had intended to order ten, and cannot account for a truckload of green eyeshades."

A spokescrat for the GAO promised a blistering self-justifying response to the unfounded charges as soon as their director returns from a fact-finding junket in Bali.

Chronic medical problems shut down CDC

A mysterious outbreak of genital herpes has swept through the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention headquarters in Atlanta, GA, effectively shutting down the organization that bills itself as "the principal agency in the United States government for protecting the health and safety of all Americans."

"We don't know how this started or how to stop it," a low-level lab technician confided to reporters on condition that she not remove her mask and medical goggles for photos.

The crisis began when three quarters of the center's Travel, Convention and Party Planning Department employees were treated for vaginal warts, chlamydia, and other conditions referred to only by the cryptic initials "STD."

While persistent rumors contend the initials stand for "sexually transmitted disease" an anonymous agencycrat replied angrily, "STD means Study The Data, and that's just what our pandemic specialists are doing.  They're all in Washington testifying on behalf of the need for more taxbucks so more specialists can conduct more studies on more data."

BATF operation takes biggest haul ever

A task force of fifty military-clad officers of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, using rocket-propelled grenades, chemical weapons, and Maverick air-to-ground missiles launched from SuperCobra Marine helicopters, stormed a warehouse in suburban Alexandria, VA and burned it to the ground Waco-style.

The agency was operating on an anonymous tip that the warehouse, thought to be used by domestic terrorists, contained extremely large amounts of alcohol, tobacco, firearms and explosives.

And so it did.  Turned out, the warehouse was a BATF facility where captured contraband was stored.

"Well, everybody just kind of forgot that the building was ours," an unrepentant unnamed spokescrat explained.  "But we'll be passing out commendations to everybody anyway."

Meat inspectors rushed to hospitals

Nearly 200 members of the Federal Meatpacking Inspectors Agency, an arm of the US Department of Agriculture responsible for overseeing America's slaughterhouses, were rushed to area hospitals in the Washington DC area for emergency treatment.

The inspectors were attending an awards banquet in which trophies and plaques and other special commendations were being handed out for "Outstanding Achievements in Meat Inspection."

Food poisoning is suspected.

NSA, CIA in inter-agency spy-down

The NSA conducted a three-year, six million dollar operation that used undercover agents to spy on suspected al qaeda terrorists who were actually CIA undercover agents conducting a three-year, six million dollar operation to spy on suspected al qaeda terrorists who were actually NSA undercover agents spying on them.

Commendations will be passed out to all concerned.

White House Office of Budget and Management can't manage own budget.

Oops, that happens all the time.  Move along, folks, nothing ironic to see here.