It's that time of year again, when mainline media disgorge those boring "year in review" potboilers that tell everyone everything that happened while they weren't paying attention.  My long established tradition, for the second year in a row, is to produce one of those boring "future in review" potboilers, in which we ponder future news stories that we would all like to see but probably won't.

From CBSNews.com (November, 2003):

Gun-toting police burst into a Goose Creek SC high school, ordering students to lie down in hallways as they searched for drugs.  Police and school administrators defended the draconian measures as necessary for crime prevention.

2004 FutureNews Item:

Football-toting high school varsity players in Goose Creek decked out in helmets and Kevlar shoulder pads burst into a South Carolina police station, ordering officers to lie down on booking room floors as they searched for illicit donuts, better known by their street names as "fat pills" or "gut bombs."  Students and school nurses defended the draconian measures as necessary for obesity prevention.

From Foxnews.com (September, 2003):

Cat-eye contact lenses, facial tattoos, toe-shortening surgery: these "trends" may sound humorous to the layperson, but health and social experts aren't laughing.  Says Oregon psychologist Marilyn Sorensen, "It's one thing when it's a clothing style or fad - that's cute - but when it's hurting or changing your body, that's a self-esteem problem."  Dr. Leroy Young, chairman of the emerging trends committee at the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, calls it "Body Dysmorphic Disorder."

2004 FutureNews Item:

The Fads and Fetishes Foundation charged today that members of the psychiatric community suffer from a condition known as Obsessive Labeling Dysfunction.  This syndrome drives them to medicalize every new lifestyle choice even as they accept previously labeled mental disorders as normal.  "Yesterday, Beatles haircuts were labeled as aberrant behavior," pointed out the organization's spokescultist.  "Now, long hair is okay but body morphing is aberrant.  Tomorrow, morphing will be normal but something else will be labeled as deviant.  These people need psychological counseling for their compulsive need to categorize people.  It's a self-esteem problem."

From The Atlanta Journal-Constitution (October, 2003):

A Roswell GA High School freshman has been expelled for the remainder of the year for writing a fictional tale in her private journal about a student who dreams that she kills a teacher.

2004 FutureNews Item:

The Politically Correct Society of Mystery Writers has expelled all of its members for writing fictional tales in their novels about people who kill people.

From Reuters (October, 2003):

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said in an interview that the United States needs to sell its message more effectively and that a new "21st-century information agency in the government" would help fight a "War of Ideas" against international terrorism.

2004 FutureNews Item:

"Creating yet another tax money-wasting government agency is not a War of Ideas," an unidentified libertarian stated today. "It just proves that knee-jerk politicians never have any new ideas.  This one is as old as the 1st century.  To paraphrase a much parroted phrase, we should refuse to engage in a war of ideas with unarmed politicos."

From CNN.com (December, 2003)

A 7-year-old boy was scolded and forced to write "I will never use the word 'gay' in school again" after he told a classmate about his lesbian mother, the American Civil Liberties Union alleged Monday.

2004 FutureNews Item:

A 7-year-old boy was scolded and forced to write "I will never use the word 'intelligent' in school again" after he told his lesbian mother about his public school teacher, the American Civil Lesbians Union alleged Monday.

From Associated Press (June, 2003)

During hearings on copyright abuse, Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, said that he favors developing technology to remotely destroy computers used for illegal downloads.  He endorsed technology that would twice warn a computer user about illegal online behavior, "then destroy their computer."  He said damaging someone's computer "may be the only way you can teach somebody about copyrights."

2004 FutureNews Item:

The Computer Downloaders Political Action Committee is proposing a new bill called the Orrin Hatch Campaign Finance Reform Bill.  The law will require that all special interest campaign contributions be delivered in cash, in briefcases, to be opened only by politicians.  Every third briefcase will contain an explosive dye-pack.  "We have to do something," a spokesgeek complained. "Next thing you know, Hatch will be firebombing cars after drivers run two stop signs. Damaging someone's dignity (and suit) may be the only way you can teach somebody about property rights."