by Garry Reed

(Published 15 August 2007)

It appears, from reading public reports on the matter, that the very people in charge of keeping our officially governmentally designated endangered species free from endangerment can't catch a clue. Perhaps it's because their generation grew up permanently parked before interminable Saturday morning cartoon shows where they were repeatedly taught that animals are just cute little peoplelike creatures who can talk and sing and dance and knock one another on the noggin without enduring damage.

This total disconnect from reality creates some interesting scenarios. Take, for example, the saga of the pigmy rabbits.

Washington State, likely unbeknownst to 99.9% of its taxpaying citizens, has a multimillion dollar taxpayer paid project to return the near-extinct Brachylagus idahoensis (pigmy rabbit) to its natural habitat. In April, twenty of these rare rabbits were released into the wild with, as the Associated Press reported, "great fanfare."

The results were neatly summed up by a Houston Chronicle headline: "20 endangered rabbits released; 14 promptly eaten."

Pygmy Rabbit Coordinator David Hays (yes, that seems to be his actual job title) explained that most were likely consumed by coyotes.

What child of the Disneyfied Cute Talking Humanlike Animal Universe as repeatedly portrayed on television screens and handhelds (Sonic the Hedgehog, anyone?) could possibly imagine that the irascible yet lovable Wiley Coyote with all his failed Acme rockets and gadgets and gizmos could actually grab, gut and gobble innocent little Fuzzy Wuzzy Bunny?

Meanwhile, true to the bureaucratic tradition, the Pygmy Rabbit Coordinator of Washington State admitted neither failure nor wanton waste of taxpayer plunder.

"This is valuable learning time," declared David Hays.

("Watch your wallets," Washington State libertarians may be wont to warn.)

Also from April came news of a Down Under endangered critter, the Tasmanian devil. That's right, the Looney Toons cartoon Taz is based on real life wildlife, native to the large Australian island of Tasmania.

Scientists there want to relocate Taz to nearby Maria Island because the devils are in danger of extinction from a contagious cancer.

Problem is, the move is controversial because "scientists can only guess at the impact" the relocation will have on the already endangered species, such as the forty-spotted pardalote, currently living there. Or they might threaten the endangered stag beetle or bird nesting areas. Or they might contract some deadly disease for which they have no natural immunities.

Maria Island figured in a brilliant scheme cooked up by brilliant experts back in the 1970s. The objective was to save endangered Tasmanian tigers from extinction by shipping them off to Maria and stocking the place with kangaroos and wallabies as a food source. (Apparently nobody cared about poor Kanga and Roo, Winnie the Pooh's little friends, since they weren't endangered.) The problem with the plan was that no Taz tigers could be found, the last one having croaked in a zoo in 1933. With no tigers to thin out the roo multitudes, the marsupials have overpopulated and overgrazed the island and have to be hunted down by humans and shot to keep them from starving to death.

Like all bureaucrats everywhere, the world's endangered species-savers are always on the lookout for ever more species to save, lest their comfy taxpayer funded government jobs become endangered.

Unfortunately, it takes evolution too long to create new species for people to endanger. But there does seem to be a solution at hand. Since environmentalists are absolutely convinced that (1) humans have evolved such formidable superpowers that we are now able to cause global warming or precipitate another ice age (meaning that if Hell finally does freeze over homo sapiens will be blamed for it) and (2) environmental powercrats have developed such monumental mental powers that they should be allowed to rule all human and nonhuman activity on earth, why not simply create new endangered species at will?

Note this lead line from a FoxNews article:

"Hikers along Alaska's Russian River may be seeing life-size gummy bears under a new plan to identify problem wildlife."

Alaska doesn't want hikers, campers, fishermen and other moneyed tourists to become endangered spenders – frightened off by bears that "demonstrate escalating behaviors" – so Fish and Game employees will begin splattering yellow, orange and green drugstore dye on the ursine offenders so they can be easily identified.

Now, all environmentalists need do is wait for the public's attention span to sputter (that should take a week, tops) and then dramatically announce: "New endangered species discovered – The Alaskan Rainbow Gummy Bear!"

Just like those cute cuddly Care Bears on TV.