Published 15 May 2006

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Details of the Senatorial brouhaha in March over the use of tax dollars for embryonic stem-cell research is just now coming to light.  While major newspapers such as the Washington Times (see below) reported the story, the nation's lowliest freelance tabloid mudslingers are only now digging up dirt on the horse-trading, log-rolling and intern-swapping that went on behind the scenes.

(The National Excretioner dubbed the incident "Embryogate," but so far none of the other supermarket muckrakers with "National" in their names has taken the bait.)

Washington Times, March 8, 2006 – "Democratic lawmakers have changed the word 'embryo' to 'material' in a bill for embryonic stem-cell research to secure the votes of Catholic senators who did not want to be viewed as supporting abortion-related legislation."

The article went on to explain that many senators want ten million taxbucks for research on cells extracted from human embryos (re: "material") to develop treatments for such common politicians' ailments as slumping warchest syndrome, porkgrabber's elbow and Blowhard's disease.  (Their constituents, however, would prefer a cure for kleptocaucus.)

"I'm livid about it," said one politico referring to the name change. "It is a cheap attempt to disguise what they're really doing.  Everybody knows it's about killing human embryos."

The senator later distanced himself from his remarks by releasing a statement changing "livid" to "somewhat discolored."

Many Republican and some conservative Democrat senators take the position that a human embryo is a human life and that embryonic research would therefore amount to abortion since it would be killing human life, although many of these same senators think nothing of voting for measures that would implant fully developed eighteen- and nineteen-year-old embryos in military uniforms and then injecting them into foreign environments where they will be subject to abortion through a method commonly known as IED, or Improvised Explosive Device.

"I'm offended by the term Improvised Explosive Device," snarled Sen. Ben Bottoff (R-South Virginia) who did not elaborate on his objection, but who is well known in the Beltway community for grabbing any opportunity for a mini-soundbite.

The opposition, a minority, had lined up enough support for a filibuster until one senator dropped out at the last minute.

"I'm offended by filibusters," the unnamed dropout remarked.  Colleagues offered to rename "filibuster" by asking him to enter into "an extended participatory verbalization process."  The senator reportedly declined after his aids were unable to figure out what all the long words meant.

Official Senatorial Leakers maintain that another senator, described as a "practicing Catholic," was going to vote in favor of the bill until he finally discovered that "material" really meant "embryo."  As one source explained, "The Senator isn't quite a Catholic yet.  He's still practicing."

In a related incident, Max Grafft, a born-again Catholic but a "practicing Democrat," became the first US senator in history to be officially sanctioned by two political parties simultaneously when it was learned that he had been quoted in his hometown newspaper in Missississouri as saying, "Where are those dadburned Libertarians when you need one?  I don't know their position on poking into embryos but you better believe they'd vote against using taxpayer money to do it."  According to a Tipster who knows an Unidentified Source who's sleeping with a Whistleblower who's married to an Insider who once had lunch in the same cafeteria as Deep Throat, the senator was severely rebuked for publicly alerting common voters to the possibility that there might be an alternative to casting their ballots year after year for run-of-the-mill Democrats and Republicans.

While the ruse of changing "embryo" to "material" didn't quite work this time, members of both major ruling parties see possibilities for the future.

A subordinate clerk to an aid to an assistant quoted an undisclosed southwestern New England senator as saying, "Some people, like Quakers and Liberal Peaceniks and those dadburned Libertarians just get all queasy when it comes to voting for ex post facto war that some loose cannon president already kicked off.  So maybe we could rename 'war' as 'politics by other means' or something."  When his intern noted that Clausewitz already said something like that, he retorted, "Who?" quickly followed by, "Never mind."

Still, noting how well the misnomered "patriot act" succeeded, a bipartisan working committee is being formed with the goal of developing euphemisms for bills relating to gun confiscation, warrantless wiretapping, human RFID implants, and the ever-embarrassing "automatic pay raise."

In related news, the Bipartisan Perpetual Incumbent's Caucus is seeking an "ultimate solution" to the "dadburned Libertarian problem."