by Garry Reed

(Published 15 June 2007)

Chroniclers of this country's culture were doubtless shocked at the nearly unprecedented prospect of professional Party-and-Puke plaything Paris Hilton actually doing hard time in the LA lockup. It's a time-honored tradition in Celebrityland that the glitterati don't do jail.

Until now, the "Simple Life" simpleton was dead-on the traditional celebrity success track. (Having no demonstrable talent and even less mental muscle in today's state of the culture is either completely irrelevant or a major plus.)

A few of the fundamental footfalls on the pathway to celebrityhood:

1. Mount a major makeover, or, as the bimbette's bio on Internet Movie Database put it, undergo a "substantial amount of physical alteration."

2. Do a home video sex tape and "accidentally" release it to the Internet.

3. Feud with other witless wannabe fame-dames.

4. Parade from party to party while switching boyfriends frequently and posing for paparazzi.

5. Dabble in modeling, movies, music, TV, clothing lines and name-bearing blingware.

6. Garner headline-grabbing run-ins with the law – oops.

Miss Partypanties got herself sentenced to 45 days in the county clink for violating her reckless driving probation. Jail time wasn't in the game plan.

Libertarians and Constitutionalists still believing in "equal justice" might ponder, perversely, why she wasn't accorded the traditional Hollywood free pass deal:

Snoop Dogg pleaded no contest to felony gun and drug charges and got probation.

Halle Berry left the scene of a hit-and-run accident and got probation.

Lou Diamond Phillips copped a no contest plea on charges of domestic battery against his live-in girlfriend and got probation.

Tom Sizemore was convicted of domestic violence and freed on bail, convicted for drugs and given probation, had probation revoked for faking a drug test, had probation reinstated, revoked again for drugs, got probation after "tearfully acknowledging he used drugs" (duh) and got himself arrested again.

Winona Ryder was convicted of shoplifting clothing from Saks Fifth Avenue (felony grand theft and vandalism) and given probation. The judge later changed the felony conviction to misdemeanors and had the store surveillance videotapes returned. The stolen clothing (re: evidence) has now reportedly been destroyed and, according to Ryder's attorney, the judge "didn't want to do anything to damage her career. Eventually, this case will be expunged. There will be nothing on her record."

The list goes on.

Unfortunately, the very spotlight Hilton so mercilessly stalked became her own undoing. The glare of planetwide publicity precluded the delicate wrist slap customarily accorded Hollywood's Idol Rich. Hilton was handed a hideous fate: doomed to wear icky jailhouse jumpsuits while judge, prosecutor and Sheriff flaunted their fifteen minutes of fame in Hilton's own limelight.

Unlike the airhead heiress, former "Lost" star Michelle Rodriguez may hold the celebrity cell-time record, serving just four hours and twenty minutes of her 60-day DUI probation violation sentence in 2006 before being released "due to jail overcrowding."

The reason for the overcrowding has long been noted by libertarians decrying America's badly broken "justice" system. Public-endangering starlets and harlots like Rodriguez and Hilton (drunk driving, reckless driving, feckless driving) are sprung so jails can be jammed with victimless crime political prisoners. Take the case, as does the Marijuana Policy Project, of 25-year-old first-time pot peddler with no criminal record Weldon Angelos, incarcerated for 55 (count them) 55 years for selling three eight-ounce bags of bud (a consensual act of free market capitalism) while toting a handgun (a right absolutely guaranteed by the same document that created the very government that busted him).

Such is the character of our culture: poor Latino lad does deep downtime while rich white playgirl nullskull is quickly freed to follow her future career course:

1. Marry and divorce fellow wannabe celeb.

2. Make traditional imbecilic Tinseltown political pronouncements by dipping deep into the murky Marxist fondue pot of feel-good donkey dung. (Since poor Paris wouldn't know Karl from Groucho, she can simply parrot lefty luminaries like Baldwin, Basinger, and Babs.)

3. Shave head.

4. Marry and divorce fellow wannabe celeb.

5. Go to rehab. Any rehab. Alcohol, drug, brain cell implant recovery...

6. Find a protected minority to besmirch.  Mel Gibson jeered Jews from his jail cell.  Michael Richards, Seinfeld's Cosmo Kramer, blasted Blacks from his standup stage. Don Imus defamed black female athletes with his "nappy-headed hos" radio ranting.

7. Marry and divorce fellow wannabe celeb.

8. Adopt third world baby.

9. Survive long enough to guest star as somebody's moth-eaten mom on forgettable sitcoms and eventually do a "Simple Life Reunion Show."

10. Marry and divorce fellow wannabe celeb.