"The Collectivist's Culturally Correct Curriculum"
Published 01 October 2005
(word count: 750)
Forever bubbling just beneath the surface of a slow news day is the ever-bombastic battle between evolution and creationism, the latter recently repackaged and presented as "intelligent design."
Curiously, both camps seem to be circling around on themselves and biting their own butts. Evolution has become an article of faith for many scientists who refuse to consider anomalies and inconsistencies in the general theory, while religionists, forgetting that all religions are by definition based on faith, have been attempting to logically prove the existence of an Intelligent Designer. We end up with the worst of both worlds: faith-based science and science-based faith.
Yet 64% of folks favor teaching both of these abominations in our government schools.
As a public service for parents still waffling on whether to wrest their kiddies from the clutches of public schools in favor of private or homegrown instruction, here are samplings from The Collectivist's Culturally Correct Curriculum.
Social Studies – Living together in voluntary compulsion. Understanding the New World Order Collaboratist Imperative Social Revolution and your assigned place in it. Using surreptitious "indoctrination levers" rather than overt coercion to guarantee cooperation. Learning to say such enlightened catchphrases as "catalyzing interdisciplinary sharing," "Progressivist socialization paradigm," and "obligatory communal enablement" without the need to understand what any of it means.
Alternatives in Biology – Rediscovering the AMA dismissed but Holistic Health endorsed Phrenology, the study of determining a person's personality traits by physically feeling the bumps on his/her skull. A Lab class will pair off students for hands-on experimentation. Students will be required to bring signed parental permission slips from home before being allowed to feel each other's bumps, lumps and swollen areas. Prerequisite: SexEd 101.
American Political Science – This class is designed to thoroughly investigate the two competing but nonetheless compatible approaches to organizing society in modern America, the political philosophies that have united us into red and blue states: left-wing authoritarianism and right-wing authoritarianism. Left Authoritarians hold that all rights are vested in diverse minority groups (such as racial, ethnic, gender, lifestyle, etc.) with no deviation, or "diversity," being permitted by individuals within each governmentally designated group. Right Authoritarians insist on the recognition of individual rights in the context that individual governmental agencies at all levels have the right to make and unilaterally enforce decisions on all of us. Prerequisite: Introduction to Poking Fun at Libertarians.
Unapproved US History – Delves into the concept, but certainly not the content, of "history" that has not been written and approved by official agencies of big government, big government sanctioned historians, or big government apologists, sycophants and toadies. An official state credentialed big government instructor will lead students in open discussions on how to identify and debunk such heretical notions as: the Illegal Southern Rebellion of 1861-1865 was not fought exclusively over the issue of slavery; the Constitution allows mere individuals rather than officially sanctioned and controlled responsible government agencies to own firearms; and FDR is not a god whose visage belongs on Mt. Rushmore. Special emphasis will be placed on openly ridiculing students who do not freely conform to the conclusions of the official state credentialed big government instructor and his/her favorite suck-up students. Prerequisite: Introduction to Poking Fun at Libertarians.
Modern American Journalism – Advanced Newspaper writing. How to write articles based on clearly spin-doctored press releases from non-persons such as "The White House," "The Pentagon," "The governor's Mansion," or "The Sheriff's Office" without upsetting politicians or deviating from their scripts through wasteful investigative reporting or fact-checking. How to use the word "alleged" in a crime story at least 37 times when applied to minority suspects but never once when reporting a homeowner arrested for using a handgun to protect his family from a home invasion.
Art Theory – human vs. nonhuman – A comparative study of human Postmodernist Impressionistic Surrealistic Dumbfoundedism with the Environmentalistic Treehuggerism school of free-form free-for-all animalistic art which features chimpanzee finger painting, elephant trunk-strokes, giraffe tongue interpretations and earthworm writhing techniques. Also, a discussion of the celebrated dissertation, "I May Not Know Anything About Art But I Know What I'm Told To Like."
NEW! – Adventures in New Century Civics – Fresh, exciting discussions on the Social Etiquette of Urban Flooding. Debate topics include "Looting Versus Food Finding," and "Labeling: refugee or evacuee?" Class discussions will center on the proper roles of Helpless Victims and Official Government Designated First Responders, and how individual initiative insidiously undermines the established dependency dynamic between the two groups. Required reading: "Racism and the Politics of Rescuing." Prerequisite: Introduction to Poking Fun at Libertarians.
- by Garry Reed