Published 15 October 2006

(word count: 750)

(Washington Post, Sep. 21, 2006 – California filed a lawsuit against the six largest automakers operating in the United States, contending that car and truck emissions are causing global warming, injuring the state's environment, economy and endangering public health.)

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the media, thank you for attending our politically crafted soundbite-and-posturing Image Management Event today.  I will now turn the proceedings over to our Chief Legalcrat, Sue Pantzoff, Commissar of the Department of Dimwitted Lawsuits for the Peoples Republik of Kalifornia."

"Thank you Mr. Flack.  I'll make this earthshaking announcement quick and easy so you reporters can understand it and then parrot it back to your editors who will then repeat it to the public verbatim.  Ready?  Kalifornia has filed suit against the six largest automakers operating in the United States because their dirty cars and trucks are causing global warming, which injures our state's environment and damages our economy.  Oh, yeah, it also endangers, you know, people's health and stuff.  Any questions?"

"Cindy Cayshan of the Sacramento BeeEss.  What if the automakers retaliate by refusing to sell their cars in Kalifornia?"

"Then we'll sue them for discrimination.  After all, we live in a civilized democracy where governcrats have the power to define and dictate fairness.  We'll get our ego buzz from this one way or the other.  Yes?"

"Mike Crowfone of Endlessly Recycled News Channel.  Isn't it true that one volcanic eruption will pump more greenhouse gasses into the air than the entire history of the auto industry?"

"Geez, Mike, Howinhell am I gonna sue a volcano?  I'm a spokescrat for government shysters, I don't poke corks into cones..."

"Let me quote from an article in a libertarian magazine called Liberty: 'The eruption of Mount St. Helens in 1980 was worse for the atmosphere in one day than the manmade damage done to our atmosphere during Earth's entire existence.'  Care to comment?"

"Now that's more like it.  Saint Helen is in Washington.  The state, I mean.  So if any of their soot and ash and sulfurous crap ends up down here in the People's Republik I'll sue the whole smarmy smart-planning latte-swilling self-flattering liberal state of Washington.  That's how us authoritycrats deal with volcanoes!"

"Ms Pantzoff, I'm Webb Kaster of BS-Line Online.  Cars don't drive themselves, people drive cars.  Do you plan on suing Kalifornia drivers?"

"Don't be a freaking fool, Webb.  People are voters and voters are victims.  People vote for politicalcrats because we're the only ones who can save them from themselves.  People drive the cars but it's cars that cause global warming, and it's global warming that heats up the atmosphere that causes it to snow less in the winter which reduces the mountain snow packs which reduces the flow of fresh water into our streams and rivers which means salmon can't swim up rivers which means northern grizzly bears can't eat as much which causes them to be undernourished which results in having fewer cubs which therefore injures our wildlife which costs tens of millions of dollars worth of investment in our state's infrastructure that our taxpaying suckers have to pay for.  If you can't get that straight, please see Mr. Flack who has a nice little colorful PowerPoint flow chart in the press kit he produced for this event that shows you how the automobile is the root of all environmental evil."

"Eddy Torrial of the Times.  An AP article said that the total cost of hurricane Katrina could approach more than $300 billion.  Since you claim that the effects of auto emissions in this state will cost tens of millions of dollars, doesn't that mean that one natural hurricane in one day caused more damage than the entire history of the auto industry?"

"What are you, a car nut?  Flack!  Add this to your freaking press kit: cars cause global warming which causes more intense hurricanes which cause more damage.  Sue the car companies!"

"Good morning, Ms Pantzoff.  Sen Tentz of the San Francisco Chinatown Chain-Letter.  An article in the Times of London..."

"What do you people do, stand around all day quoting each other's quotes?"

"...claims that many scientists are convinced that the principal cause of climate change on Earth is solar activity.  In other words, it's the sun, stupid."

"Write this down or text it or blog it or bluetooth it or whatever the hell you do in that newsy world of yours these days.  Cars cause global warming.  That's our politically correct mantra and we're sticking to it.  Goodbye."