Published 15 June 2006

(word count: 750)

"And now here’s the Channel 7 BlabberCast News At Nine with your trendy Dual News AnchorTalkers Mike Shallo and Cindy Ayrhead."

"Well Cindy, it looks like our lead story once again is the ongoing nationwide flu-scare food-hoarding pandemic."

"Yes, Mike, and tonight we have several reports from our GroupScoop Reporting Team.  First, here with the latest exclusive Channel 7 BlabberCast Breaking News on the latest ongoing nationwide War on Hoarding effort is our own Buffy Sue Whiteface, embedded with the 101st HHS Public Interdiction Tactical Unit.  Buffy Sue."

"Just seconds ago, two dozen heavily armed Storm Troopers of the Health and Human Services Public Interdiction Tactical Squad bashed down the door of this house behind me here in suburban East Pittsadelphia and charged inside shouting 'HHS!' and 'Freeze' and really cool stuff like that.  A Media Spokescrat for the HHS said they’d received an anonymous tip that the people living here have thousands of dollars of canned tuna and powdered milk hidden under their bed.  That means their house will be seized and the proceeds will go towards funding more agents and weapons for more War on Hoarding raids.  Mike and Candy."

"It’s Cindy ..."

"And now for some deep background, as only the Channel 7 BlabberCast News At Nine GroupScoop Reporting Team can bring you, here’s our own Deep Background Analyst, Max Prober."

"Hi Mick and Sandy.  As you know, Health and Human Services Secretarycrat Mike Leavitt told Americans to prepare for a bird flu pandemic by purchasing canned tuna and powdered milk and stashing them under their beds.  The result has been the worst pandemic of hoarding since that run on home improvement centers awhile back after former Homeland Security Secretarycrat Tom Ridge said that duct tape and plastic wrap would protect us from Anthrax.  Mark, Wendy."

"Thank you, Max.  It’s Mike.  To find out what impact this hoarding pandemic has had on our economy we go to Grant Kreddit, our Economics Correspondent."

"Well, Mork and Mindy, tuna and powdered milk hoarding has created scarcity in supermarkets which has driven the price of those items way up, resulting in an unregulated influx of cheap foreign items that threaten to significantly increase our balance of trade deficit, and created a black market in American canned tuna and powdered milk.  The street value of a can of chunk light tuna is $20 a can.  And we’ve also seen a proliferation of cheap, dangerous counterfeits."

"To find out just how dangerous, let’s talk to our Public Health Editor, Vigor Wellbeing."

"Moke and Trendy, dangerous counterfeit powdered milk is made from running Armenian goat cheese througn a shredder and then drying and flaking it in clandestine operations known as illegal milkandfatarmine labs.  Tuna is frequently molded from leftover mackerel parts which contain high levels of mercury."

"To get the political fallout from this, we go to our Political NewsHack in Washington DC, Polly Tishan."

"Republicrat Senator Rob Sittizens, New Verminshire, has introduced the Stop the Hoarding for The Children, Patriotism, Mother and Apple Pie Bill which would force grocers to keep canned tuna and powdered milk behind a counter, limit purchases to one per family, and force everyone to show ID and sign a registry.  Libertarian think tanks warn that this will just violate people’s rights and accelerate black market activity, but politicians never listen to libertarians.  Of course, if a vaccine can be developed, the hoarding will stop anyway.  Provisions are already in place for bird flu vaccine to be distributed by FEMA after they’ve conducted a seven year $19 million study to determine the best methods.  They’re considering deploying thousands of unused trailers around the country as mobile clinics."

"Lord help us, Mike."

"Let’s go to our National Security expert at the Pentagon, Paul Wolfowitless, for a very disturbing report.  Paul?"

"As you know, instant non-fat dry powdered milk is nothing more than concentrated, evaporated milk solids.  To reconstitute it, you simply add water.  But now the CIA has credible nonspecific indications that al Quida is developing ways of flash-mixing the ingrediants.  If water can be added to the powder at an incredibly accelerated rate, millions of tiny milk solid particles will expand simultaneously, creating a bomb-like effect.  You can imagine what would happen if synchronized suicide deliverymen crashed a water tanker and a powdered milk van into a building."

"Are milk bombs possible?"

"Well, DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, is spending billions of taxbucks to find out.  So far, they’ve only produced milk duds."

"Film at Eleven."

- by Garry Reed