Published 01 June 2006

(word count: 750)

In a speech from the Egg-Shaped Office during primetime TV (in which he finished fifth in the overnight ratings behind Fear Fracture, Let's Make a Deal or No Deal, Backpacking with the Stars and The Munsters' Bit Players and Extras Annual Reunion Special and Hip Replacement Telethon) President Bush told the nation that millions of illegal immigrants who had gotten away with breaking the law the longest could become American citizens if they paid a meaningful penalty for breaking the law, paid their taxes, learned to speak, write and sing the National Anthem in broken English, and worked in a legitimate job for a number of years.

In response to the President's comments, a planning group of an ad hoc bureau of a steering committee of the Department of Busywork created a bi-partisan blue-ribbon panel composed of America's most prestigious congressional in-laws, former campaign workers, failed politicians, career bureauhacks and professional toadycrats who were tasked with implementing guidelines for creation of the new "Requirements for American Citizenship Examination."

What follows is a transcript of the inaugural session of the Citizenship Board as secretly recorded by the NSA as part of their Joint Warrantless Anti-Terrorism and No Smoking in Public Buildings Enforcement mandate.

"Alright, folks, let's come to order and start earning our bloated taxpayer salaries.  The first criteria we need to consider is the requirement to speak and write English …"

"Okay, jes lemme write this heer down, Bubba.  Ta git ta be a Merikan ya gotta talk good Inglish an' have well penmanship.  Wot's next?"

"Carl, if writing legibly and speaking understandable English are requirements for citizenship, does that mean we have to deport all rappers and doctors?"

"The president said that naturalized citizens will have to pay a meaningful penalty for breaking the law and that they'll have to pay their taxes.  Isn't that the same thing?"

"How about that requirement of working in a legitimate job for a number of years?  Wouldn't that disqualify every politician in the country?"

"Yeah, and tenured public university professors too."

"We need more criteria.  Immigrants should have some knowledge of important American History."

"Oh, you mean like how the Yankees and the Rebels fought for independence from Canada and how Texas Cowboys and California gold-rushers killed The Cisco Kid and took the whole northern half of his country away from Mexico and …"

"No, I said important American History.  Like how Brad Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie and how Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman went to Splittsville and then how Cruise cruised through that other Cruz … Penelope … and then hooked up with Katie Holmes and had a kid … get that, from Kidman to a kid … ha ha …"

"Do immigrants have to learn irony?  I don't think I really get irony."

"I don't get puns."

"What about geography?  Shouldn't they know where this Splittsville is?"

"Yeah, and Smallville too."

"And they should be able to find Metropolis and Gotham City on a map of the USA.  And Moon River at the very least."

"Well, I think newcomers should know something about American culture, like classical music and fine arts and architecture and ballet and …"

"Ha!  That's not American culture, that's ancient history.  They need to know Snoop Dog and chewing gum and The Devil Went Down to Georgia and iPods and talking on cell phones while driving their uninsured SUVs and the Invasion of the Killer Tomatoes.  That's American Culture."

"Pssst.  Gordy.  When did that invasion happen?"

"I think it was right after Canada captured the Alamo."

"Shouldn't they know something about American politics, like Democrats and Republicans and Libertarians and …?"

"Libertarians?  Come on, Wilma!  You want these ignorant unwashed foreigners to get the idea that they should view themselves as individuals and think for themselves and start demanding actual for-real freedom and Constitutional rights and all that other corny patriotic claptrap?  They need to know real American politics, that their role as good citizens is to vote for one of the two approved major political parties and then shut up until the next election.  Get real!"

"Well, they sure as heck better know about Martin Luther King."

"But most immigrants are Mexican and most Mexicans are Catholic."

"I didn't say Martin Luther, I said Martin Luther King!"

"Oh."

"Hey!  Look at this!  Our project!  Requirements for American Citizenship Examination.  The acronym spells RACE!"

"Quick!  Everybody break for a taxpayer paid three-hour lunch!  Pretend you were never here!  People will call us racists!"