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Ballpointing
the Pointy-Headed Head Cases
by
Garry Reed
Admit
it. You know you've done it. You're loafing in your Laz-Z-Butt lounger in
your living room, or compressed between passengers in the middle seat on
the Crack O' Dawn flight to East Piddlyborough, or sneaking an on-the-job
mini-vacation in the stinky-stall of your workplace pottyroom, when your
eyes land on a line of type in the local Balderdash Bulletin you've been
drowsily browsing through.
Some
subnormal moron did something stunningly stupid today, or said something
incredibly enlightened, or offered an ignorant opinion and it was all
prominently preserved in newsprint.
You
want to yell at the newspaper. Show it to someone. Vehemently voice your
concurrence or your condemnation. But of course you can't. You're alone,
or stuck with strangers, or sneaking a reeking rest break in the restroom.
Instead,
you pull out your ballpoint and make ready to write a riveting riposte.
Any ballpoint will do. The gimme pen with the Nose Hair Trimmer Parts
Depot logo on its side, the pen from the set you got in a gift exchange
three years ago and haven't seen the matching pencil since, the round
white 39-cent plastic cheapo with the removable blue chewed-upon clip-cap
that nobody ever buys but somehow magically appears in every home in
America anyway.
If
you're not an accomplished ballpointer, now's your chance to learn. Mash
that clicker, twist that barrel, pop that cap. All you need is a pen point
and a patch of newspaper white space.
Here's
a recent article to get bothered about. Seven people attending high school
graduations in Rock Hill, South Carolina, were arrested for cheering when
their kid's names were called.
Scribble
in the gutter! (The newspaper's, not the street's.): "Arrested? For
cheering when their kids got their diplomas? And their taxbucks paid for
those schools. Gotta dumb down those parents to the level of their public
educated spawn. Authorities can't tolerate individual expression!"
There.
Didn't that mocking sarcasm feel good? Here's another one. Villagers in
Romania didn't like the new guy running for mayor so they voted for the
incumbent and he won, even though he died before the election began.
Authorities, of course, awarded the win to the live guy. Now click your
mark maker and find a whit of white space some place: "Down with
authorities! Let the people choose! I vote for Thomas Jefferson!"
And
lookie here! An interview with former pachyderm presidential wannabe Mike
Huckabee, presuming to define libertarianism without knowing what
libertarianism is. Or maybe not even knowing what is is. He defines the
freedom philosophy as "…this
new brand of libertarianism, which is social liberalism and economic
conservatism, but it's a heartless, callous, soulless type of economic
conservatism…"
Right
away you know this is gonna take some major whitespace. Ah, wide margins.
Thank you, modern newspaper designers. Put pen point to paper and press
firmly into the fibers: "Point 1. New brand of libertarianism?
Same brand as always, Huck. Where have you been hiding? 2. Step
out of that stereotyped lefty versus righty cliché closet you're living
in. Libertarians aren't round liberal pegs in square conservative holes,
they're a whole different set of Tinker Toys and you just don't get it. 3.
Heartless callous soulless economics? Take a reality check, Huck.
Economics is neither heartless nor heartfelt, callous nor kindly, soulless
nor soulful. Economics is just economics, like a cigar is just a cigar,
like…"
Well,
there's only so much margin in a major metropolitan litter box liner.
Okay,
so nobody will ever peruse your imposing prose. But at least you
responded. At least you didn't swallow the socially filtered politically
pasteurized culturally appropriate apricot pabulum in a single bob of the
Adam's apple and burrow back into your prenatal mental cradle. At least
you challenged the revealed wisdom of those who presume to be your
betters.
Freedom
always begins as a thought. It merely ends as politics.
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