And the Winners are: Al Gore, Al Gore and Al Gore

by Garry Reed

How many awards can Al Gore win from his worldwide coterie of sycophants?

In the spirit of international political correctness, the former VP was awarded the Nobel Has-Nothing-to-do-with-Peace Prize for emitting toxic pollutants into the atmosphere from his worldwide jet-setting to lecture everyone else about halting global warming by adopting medieval lifestyles while he "offsets" his own carbon footprint by screwing fluorescent light bulbs into the foyer of his energy hog mansion.

The award was sandwiched between what many libertarians recognize as a contrived International Emmy for "an individual or organization which crosses cultural boundaries to touch our common humanity" and an obviously premeditated and Pathetically Correct Oscar for his documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth," a global warming flick that caused a British judge to rule that "the film contained so many scientific errors that school pupils must see it with guidance notes to prevent political indoctrination."

But what's a few "scientific errors" for a person on a global ego trip with award-awarding organizations desperate to weasel into his spotlight by handing him a trophy, plaque, certificate, medal, loving cup, blue ribbon or bejeweled crown for anything even remotely connected with the planetary-wide global warming fad.

For example, completely unsubstantiated rumors persist that Gore has been guaranteed a Tony if he feigns collaboration with Broadway impresario Lancelot Flaccid who intends to rename "An Inconvenient Truth" as simply "The Truth" and turn it into a musical comedy.

Meanwhile, Motown movers and moguls (who push the PR pretense that Al Gore was "America's First Black Vice President" because it gives them political cachet) are rumored to be hard at work hammering out lyrics for a guaranteed Best Songwriter Grammy for Big Al based on napkin scribbles he left behind at the hip LA eatery, The Global Warming Plate.

Lyrics so far:

Hey mofo dude youse jus' be cool,

Don' be no global warmin' denyin' fool

Over at The National Book Foundation, unsupported gossip was strategically leaked that the National Book Award for Young People's Literature will be awarded to Al Gore's book, "Billy has Two Environmentally Sensitive Daddies Who are Stopping Global Warming, Saving the Greenland glacier and Bringing the Snowcap Back to Mt. Kilimanjaro." Insiders pooh-pooh reports that the book was ghost written by fellow Gore, Gore Vidal.

And idle hearsay continues to ooze out of Columbia University that the Pulitzer Prize is a done deal for Gore. The only question is which achievement will be honored and in which category.

Prize possibility 1:

Combined Investigative Reporting and Breaking News categories – a dual award based on the following well-documented legend: Little Al listened while his nanny read the Dr. Seuss classic "Bartholomew and the Oobleck" about a king who was bored with the weather and commanded his magicians to invent something new, the result being great green gooey glops of oobleck falling from the sky that globbed onto everything and gummed up the entire kingdom. Al then blackmailed the chauffer (who was diddling the cook) into writing his science report for him, which he titled "How Oobleck is Caused by Global Warming."

Prize possibility 2:

Combined Fiction and Editorial Cartooning category – for the work reverently referred to as The Algorian Memoir, which hasn't been written or published yet because New York literati publishing houses are still fighting over serialization, hardcover, paperback, movie and Al Gore fast food action figure marketing tie-in rights. Unnamed sources claim the forthcoming magnum opus will be titled "How I invented the Internet, Had the Presidency Stolen From Me by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, and Single-Handedly Turned Demented Ice Age Chicken Littles Into Serious Global Warming Heroes."

Finally, from the International Olympic Committee, a new sport for which only Al Gore can qualify so he can win bronze, silver and gold: Former Tennessee Vice Presidential Freestyle Hacky Sack.

Libertarians suspect we're all getting Gored.